The Gandalf Downstairs: Part Three

(Part Two: http://commaopinionated.blogspot.com/2016/11/the-gandalf-downstairs-part-two.html )

 

She circles something on the health card that looks like something you get people to pledge money on before a walk-a-thon. I try not to react – if there were set answers, just ask me all of them! Jeez. The multiple choice questions like ‘why do you take the pill’ are supposed to be the easiest ones aside from answering yes to all of the above examples of ‘a family history of x, y and z (a.k.a. 101 things you could die from or not die from because health science is complicated!)’

The line of questioning continues for a while. She’s eventually done, writes a few things on a blue card and hands it to me explaining my results would be ready in 5 weeks. Then off to the examination room.

Films and TV have taught me gynaecological exams take place with the examined woman sitting with her feet in some stirrups in a fancy chair, draped in white. For my first pap smear, I got a wooden table, draped in white, with a gooseneck light at the end. That was layer of confusion number one.

“Take off your undergarments and then lie down up here,” goes the nurse.

What is an undergarment, how much do I take off, do my put my head on the pillow and where do I put my things – all new questions, popping into my head simultaneously. I ask none of them.

I take off my underwear, shove it into my bag and put the bag on the chair next to exam table. I lie on the table. I get asked to scoot down. I do so. A bit more. Okay. Right.

“Okay, just move your skirt up.”

How far? I don’t ask. I just guess. Turns out that’s ok.

“How long have you been sexually active?”

I answer. Nurse gets a speculum or, as I was calling it until I googled it about 5 minutes ago, ‘that clampy lady part opener’. Now – a speculum is a scary thing if you aren’t expecting it. You can never fully prepare yourself for your lady parts to meet metal in this way (especially since, oh – I don’t know, sex toys are illegal so inanimate objects in that area is a foreign concept altogether). She uses speculum, she checks and apparently she needs a bigger one. Why? Who knows! The nurse appears to be carrying on like mystery is part of the whole experience.

 

(Part Four: http://commaopinionated.blogspot.com/2016/11/the-gandalf-downstairs-part-four.html)