Wondering - I let my mind roam, curious about the world and
the things, the people, the creatures around me. And I wonder how you are.
Reader. Friend. Stranger. Are you okay?
I reached out to what seems like an old, old friend about a
week ago - curious if he was okay. In and out of hospital waiting rooms, my
mind would wander to ask how he was - a question I couldn’t really answer.
We aren’t friends on Facebook or anything else really. My
e-stalking dug up nothing. He seemed too quiet or was really good at keeping
life offline. Even a friend of his who I had been friends with online had
dropped me off his list. Interesting but understandable (we weren’t friends,
anyway and I’m fairly antisocial).
So, I just sent everything out - to whatever Skype, Facebook
Messenger, Email contact I had I asked “Are you alive?” Turns out he was. Was I
worried something had happened? I don’t know.
I was scared he hated me. That’s why I went looking. Why
would he hate me? I don’t know. Why should I care? I don’t know. I worried. My
mind wondered it once and I couldn’t un-stick the thought.
He answered one email. Then the next email. Then he stopped.
Why? I wonder. I don’t know. But I’m trying not to wonder
too much. It hurts. I feel hurt. I shared something he probably didn’t care too
much about.
If you’ve read The Gandalf Downstairs, you’d know I had a
little polyp. Well, while my papsmear came back clear, the polyp results said I
had HPV CIN1. What does that mean?
Well, if you believe the doctor who told me that I should
definitely have children (because it’s so easy to decide these things and a
stranger should pick for me), it means that in 6 months I either have nothing
to worry about or early stage cervical cancer.
That scares me. To my core. It shakes me hard. I can’t even
wonder about that. It’s my second ever wall. A block. A no-go zone.
1. My father.
2. The polyp.
The moment my mind starts to wonder, I start to cry. While I cry often - including at the drop of a hat, halfway through an ad about health insurance and at the sight of a yawning puppy - this is a different response. This is an automatic, turn-the-tap-on, slow crawl out of my eyes.
I'm trying to keep myself on the straight and narrow. I'm trying to keep healthy. I'm trying not to smoke. I'm not 100% doing okay and I don't know how to really express it because everytime my mind goes there - waterworks.
Stupid brain. I wish I could tell you what to do.
I wish I didn't wonder.
