I have troubles with the idea of God. Im sure Ive said that many times before. I can't comprend it - faith. It used to all make sense. I have, however, just more or less played with words and instead of God or Jesus or even my little Ganesh on my neck if something seemingly cosmic is happening, I either blame or thank the universe. So here we go.
Universe - you and I need to just have a tiiiiiny chat. I'll buy the coffee. Oh, you're a metaphor so you'll pass? More for me then. Money that is - Im not going to buy and drink two coffees, what do you take me for? I'm polite not rich, jeez.
Do you mind if I smoke? Yes, yes I know it's absolutely terrible for me but please just... let's just talk, yeah?
Dearest universe,
I don't know how to feel. I know that more times that not I get myself down. I know it's not you. But I never did get those rose coloured glasses everyone else seems to wear when things happen to them. You know I cant help but be used to bad things that I don't trust the good.
I know Im scared. Terrified that years mean nothing even though everyone else keeps saying. I know Im supposed to grow up but I want to not be afraid of how I want to be. I want to be silly. I want to indulge my imagination. I want to not give a damn about the hair my body grows. I want to move and not be stuck in a chair all day absorbed by responsibilies and, when Im not working, I want to make my own worlds and not get so caught up with the worlds that other people create.
I want to be okay. I was to be happy and healthy and wise. I want to be silly and free and fan-fucking-tastic. I want to let go of all the things I struggle to picture because its been so long since I lost them. I want to find out who Im supposed to be.
Universe. I know I blame you when Im upset and I dont quite know why things are happening the way they are. People tell me that it's someone else that makes things happen - the things humans cant control. Then they tell me you seem to have some kind of plan. Recently you seem to be setting things up good. You're giving me opportunities. Opportunities to do the things I love. Opportunities to go where Ive never gone before. Opportunities to see the people i look up to without having to look through a screen.
And Im scared. Im scared itll get taken away. Universe. I want to know if this is a just for now kind of thing... or something that will stay. Its been such a rollercoaster of a year, I don't know how to trust you. I don't know if I should.
What if you break my spirit all over again.
I can't handle it.
Please.
If you could just let me know... maybe?
