I am prone to stress. Although, that said, a lot of people in this "modern age" are. I was a constantly sick child from the moment my brain was able to understand the concept of expectation. I was incredibly nervous and eventually developed stress migraines halfway through primary school. No one told me "you must get straight A's, you must excel, you must do this that or the other". As a straight-B student, I was always trying to keep up with things I made up in my head as goals. I guess I also just felt an immense need to prove myself. To who? My parents, I guess.
I suppose I had seen how proud they were of my brother as he skipped a class and was outspoken and friendly. I wanted to be as good at stuff as he was but never quite lived up to it. Throughout high school I felt the same self-inflicted pressures but turned up a notch when I found myself on half scholarship. I would also have very dark periods of stress because after losing my father I felt like I only had half the guidance and purpose I did before. I couldn't make him proud because he wasn't there.
All these pressures and stresses added together have stayed with me for years and years and it has been awful. Last year, as a dedication to one of my inspirations and best friends, I put together my contribution for the Sokota exhibition and focused on mental health. It was an experience all on it's own to show the pieces I had made in the end. I was compared to the large, painted canvases and felt that my pieces, mixed media in all their mess and otherwise, didn't live up to "exhibition expectations and standards". I had my pieces seen though, recognised and a handful of people told me they liked it and thought it was different.
It was strange because I had finished university by then. I was definitely no dux but as I looked through the list of people graduating I found so few of the people I started uni with actually on the list. I had finished something. Sure, I finished with an average B grade but I actually finished. I volunteered throughout the whole period, lost and found love, I was there to try help my Ma through cancer treatment. I had found passions and opportunities.
But then we are here. Today. Still struggling to find one full time job, Im currently stringing together a part time job with 3 freelance projects. I don't try to keep busy but busy sure as hell finds me. And with the busy creeps back the expectations I have for myself. So much I have done since high school was for someone else, to make people proud or give back in some way to those who have got me where I am. But now I'm all out of sheltered opportunities. I'm in a place where only I can make myself happy because I know what makes me happy.
Sure, I may have family and friends and an amazingly supportive partner but unless I tell my nervous, shivering self in the corner of my mind of shut up and sit down where I cant see her, they all count for nought. And other people's negative voices? Sure, let them say whatever they want. I will try to be peaceful when I can but no more pretending everything is hunky-dory just because they'd rather play blind. I want to make other people happy with my work. I don't know just how yet but I need to come from a place of happiness first, don't I?
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