I want to, I do.

Hey hey hi howsit going?

So in case you didn't know I'm documenting my 23rd year for reasons unknown. I dont know, I guess I wanted to put a pushpin in time and see what happens when I come back to it. Just like when I look at any of my old videos - where I used to sing, and said dumb things and all the while knowing that was me coming off the back of a breakup I didn't really understand and still trying to figure out what cancer meant for my family.

I wanted to vlog, I did, but Im exhausted. Im tired at work, Im tired at home, Im driven as ever but energy is down at an all time low. I know its mostly worry, insecurity, just all round feeling really really lonely and I don't know if its my depression/anxiety flaring up or just realising that at 23 Im not sure who on earth I am.

We never know though, do we? We're always changing, moulded by whats happening around us and to us and near us. I wanted to be a storyteller. I could say that I still am. But I have no idea how true that is sometimes. I miss drawing. I miss singing and playing music. I miss going home and feeling like I have hours to kill so I fire up a game. I dont know where all of thats gone. I feel like my inner light has been put somewhere for safekeeping and Ive lost the key and cant even remember why I did it in the first place... or maybe I do.

Im scared. Yup, Im a terrified human being. Im scared about bills, my grandmother, my job, my country, my partner. Im drawn out and pulled mentally in all these directions and I just cant get a handle on the fact I have no idea what Im supposed to do and who Im supposed to be in all of this.

I know what I would like to do, to be. I want to be sane. I want to be happy and calm and relaxed. I want to just move house and build new memories and continue in life and try make people happy. I want to work and do good in this world. One day I want to make my stupid movie with tropes and a weird father character and I want to, at some point, figure out how dancing works. I want to teach my cat things, I want to make time to hug all of my dogs and tell them how much they make me happy. I want to put flowers on my fathers grave that I havent seen in years. I want to one day buy a house for my family so my mother doesnt have to worry ever again. I want to do good. I do.

I just have no idea how.