Dear Whoever You Are

As a person of mixed faith (or none - it depends on our outlook really), I don't know who to ask for guidance.

Ive worn a little Ganesh pendant for about 4 years now. I say it got me through Mums Cancer and Uni and everything in between. But i dont know any prayers. I dont know how to offer thanks.

I made a conscious choice to be confirmed, to serve in the church, to be the little human that got to ring the bell thrice. But after Dad passed I lost all the connection i thought i had to that big building with its cold floors.

I bow my head as others pray. I will say grace. I will listen to a sermon. I have tried to read the bible. When I did I found my favourite passage because it just... fit... at the time.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1 to 13

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.

As we go through all the yaya we moved into our new house, as we wait to see how soon my Grandma may leave us all, I reflect on this passage I found years and years ago.

I find no comfort. I find just words. I find words I stumbled on as people wept over the idea and memories of my grandfather over a decade ago. Words I brought up every time I couldn't understand something. Yet I cant recall the feeling of comfort I thought the words gave me.

So, yes, dear "whoever you are" - you awesome, unfathomable power, or you one aspect of a whole, you entity that could never be understood or simply Im talking to the uncaring push and pull of the universe - be gentle. Not for my sake. For the multitude that call around for updates on her condition, who visit the hospital, who work around her, who stand by her bed and who say prayers wherever they are.

You dont know what you are taking away from them. From us.