GUHH

I have no idea whats happening. No, truthfully.

I feel a slight bit of pain in my lower belly extending down to my knees, just like every other day.

Im at work, trying to concentrate, just like every other day of the week… but my head won’t stop buzzing. Im terrified. Im worried. Im confused.

I don’t know if Im supposed to be any of these things but I can’t help it.

My grandma will probably leave hospital soon. She seems to be getting a little better but… I feel so awful. I feel awful because I can’t fully express how worried I am.

Yes, she started to say a few words, wake up a little. But that doesn’t mean what’s wrong will go away. People don’t live forever. And because I have these things in my head I feel terrible.

I would like to think Ive made my peace; that I want to see her comfortable and surrounded by family and calm before the inevitable comes and turns everything over for a while…

But what if that just makes me more broken than I would like to be?

I mean, sure, I, just like everyone else, have been to my fair share of funerals. I hate them. I think they’re strange spaces where we pretend everything is okay instead of actually healing.

Or you know, you’ve just got the wailers that annoy the crap out of me.

Eugh, here I go again. Yeah, I feel salty. Im stressed out. Im a human being. But… I guess Im stuck between feeling awful and hopeless and useless and mad and devastated and annoyed and just… lost.

I don’t know how to feel, what to do, where to go, how to help. Im trying, fuck, Im trying… but youknow, how youre always in this dumb little bubble that is you and your mindspace – and everyone has that so you’re stuck trying but you just don’t know if you’re going to make things worse or help or if it makes through it at all.

Im rambling. Yeah. Im going to just… get back to trying to work I guess.