Holy Anxiety, Batman!

I am a relatively young human being that is unable to remember a time I wasn't constantly nervous or worried. In the past few years, the typical “worrying” has mutated (I'm a real X-person ma!) into occasional full blown anxiety – panic attacks and all.

Yesterday I was overhearing a particularly loud office “discussion” and it triggered an attack. So far, a lot of my attacks have stemmed from consistent worrying culminating in shaking in a dark room somewhere trying to calm myself down. However, yesterday I just went to the corner of the thankfully empty room and meditated.

Nothing spiritual or special, I just focused on my breathing and forced myself to calming acknowledge what was happening around me. Basic stuff, you know? And it helped.

Usually, my attacks see me end up with a snotty nose, tear-stained collar and messy hair from frantic pulling. While I did rock back and forth a bit, I forced myself to sit up and still – told my brain I was in charge and I wasn't going to let synapses fire all up the way they are used to.

I guess it all stemmed from the fact I am sick of the attacks. Sure, I'm not “used” to them or am a long term sufferer but I definitely don't want them to pop up every time the smallest thing starts to bother me. I've had enough years with circular dark moods a la my depression to want to develop something new.

At the same time, I'm also trying to deal with my depression... and work is not helping. I am not a “collapser-under-stress” – I handle it fairly well. I know how to deal with deadlines and commit to a cutoff point because, because, because – that's how life works. But work is starting to wear on me.

I don't know if it's “same-old-same-old” fatigue... I highly doubt it is. I mean, I worked at the same thing for 8 years, I know this burnout is not the work. I guess it goes back to the yelling.

I like a healthy environment. I like being able to work somewhere where I don't have to worry about my anxiety or depression triggering. I like being able to focus, not forcing myself to in a place where its scene after scene, drama upon drama.

I just want to work... is that so bad?