I can't.

Oh hello. Ive been very worn thin today.

I havent really been outside much. I guess theres a lot of stuff floating around - depression and my anxiety and feeling all-round broke and empty pocketed. So because of it all have just been at home, working on what I can do and such.

I makes me feel awful occasionally. For the past few months now I havent really attended events, arts things or really caught up with friends too much. Ive just been... worn out. Of course the partner tries to get me out as often as he can - but I still end up usually being the first home.

So while Im home, just trying to relax or feel better or unwind after a particularly bad attack or something, Ill stumble across event photos, what friends are doing and all round what's happening in the world and just feel so separated.

I get worked up and a little, albeit furious, voice tells me off that I wasn't there. Another will point out I dont have the cash to get there. Another will remind me of what I might have to do, work on or rest for. Then there's suddenly a barrage of voices all arguing with one another... no wonder so much of it spills out as frustrated tears.

I don't know if people understand or care or whatever it is or may be. I guess you put this stuff out because... I dont know. Maybe because you hope others will see and know they aren't alone. Damn, I know Im not. The world is a hard place to be in and I applaud anyone who can look around it and carry on, no attacks warranted.

Today, I had to leave the house. I took my grandmother to the hospital. I helped her get there - her rules of course. The 11am appointment was attended after 12, the cab was called not hailed and we sat in the tiniest room with others just waiting for a handful of hours.

I barely held myself together. I wanted to pace outside until her doctor came. I wanted to cry because she was worn out from not sleeping the night before she was falling asleep texting. I had no idea how to do any of it aside from putting on the human suit I wear to work and assuming the role of the note taking and message person to the rest of the family.

I called around to sort out what the doctor recommended. I called my brother to put the kettle on. I walked my grandmother home so she could have a 10 minute stroll in the sun. I just did.

Sometimes you need to just do... especially when it comes to the 70+ year old marvel that can still work a room for intel and advocacy.

Floating through space

It's been a while.  Ive managed to find a way to slow down - it's insane. 3 days after I left my fulltime job I was asked what it was like and I blurted out that it had been the most relaxing week of my life... forgetting how long it had actually been.

A weekend. One weekend and not having to drag myself somewhere on a Monday.

I don't even sleep in, I just feel so relaxed. Ive picked up some volunteering while I wait on jobs and such. Monday I got to be utterly domestic and scrubbed, did laundry and cleaned my house.

It been a strange experience not rushing out of the house because Id been dragging my heels to leave.

Ive also been planning a few things here and there like contemplating health checks, trying to just make time for down time, trying not to stress about too many things and generally struggling to remember what day it actually is.

Out of school, out of uni, out of a 9 to 5, I can't 100% nail down what day it is.

So, generally, Im floating through this strange, ethereal space where I cant decide whats really happening - am I just enjoying the break? Am I lost without a job? Am I actually getting better or just getting rest?

Lady of Leisure

Oh my. It's been a while. Or... I dont know, it's never been like... THIS.

I left my first (technically) full time job because... I don't 100% know - it just wasn't the best fit and I was starting to wear out really, really fast.

Following starting there, I started to get more frequent panic attacks, doubt the work I was doing, doubt myself. I felt trapped by money, I was drained of passion and I was just really, really depressed everyday I had to wake up and go to work.

It was probably a combination of things but I imagine it was firmly rooted in the massive switch from community to commercial media. I missed purpose, I missed creative freedom, I missed a comforting work environment. I also just missed working.

Yes, that is "the real world" or so people would tell me. But I couldn't do it anymore. Starving artist, starving advocate - an empty wallet is far more comforting to me than starving for work, for action and for movement.

My grandmother called me this morning to ask for sugar and she asked when I was going to work. When I reminded her I not longer were in that 9-5 she cheered me and called me "a lady of leisure - but as busy as ever".

That's pretty much the gist of it.

I'm trying to get back on my creative feet, trying to find my way in the world - trying to find somewhere Im happy to wake up to get to. Step 1? Recover.

The Adult Side of Change

Processes. Always with the GOSHDARN processes.

Things are changing in my life and the thing is, I can't just drop what I don't want to do and pick up and run with what I want to do. Because apparently Im an adult. That and all sorts of things I guess.

I want to do things properly. I want to maintain professionalism. Also I want to finish what I started before I start a new thing. All sorts of stuff.

I mean, I love the notion of the process - it's half of what Im going to do when I get to do it.

Look at decision makers and making and all sorts. You want to be part of the process that decides change. It affects not just the now but the future - when we look back at what we've done I guess.

I dont know, does any of this make sense? Im so damn tired right now.

Im going to take an adult coffee break :)

Fun hospital times!

I've been doing a lot of reflection on my health recently. No real reason, I was writing about sex and boobs because that's sometimes my job (and i fricken love that part of my job) and I got to thinking about my mother and grandmothers times with cancer.

I used to spend a lot of my first year in university in and out of the hospital with my mother as she had her chemo. Then I got to live in Melbourne for a full month as I went back and forth with mum as she got her radiation. As I thought about all of that I remember all my own times in hospital.

First up, I was a pretty healthy kid. I loved good food and would run around all over the place because childhood I guess. Then I started getting tonsillitis and I said goodbye to the outside. Eventually I had them out but then I started getting sicker and sicker especially after... menarche. EUGH.

After all the womanhood started happening, I dropped eating for drinking a lot of coke and stuff and thus began my adventures in hospital tests! I had my first ultrasound around 14, checking my stomach to make sure it was all good.

Then I had to learn about nausea. Gosh darn, my stomach and I have visited many a place to puke. I couldnt count the number of bins and bushes and such on one hand (I may need 3 or 4) Ive used in emergencies. Turns out I was having too much salt. Sounds random? Well, I asked a doctor about it once and this old (Im guessing?) Philipino man turned to me and said to stop having too much salt and the nausea would go away... and it helped. Seriously. It's weird, I know.

Then more recently I had to get my ovaries checked because I dont have the most fun in terms of pain and such around the time the monthly red wave riseth. Like... stabby, sharp pains so bad my old nausea returned as a shock response to the pain. Funnnnnnnn. Turned out no growths or nothing on the little beans that occasionally spit out baby spheres. Yay!

Then there was another round of checks. Turned out I had angry kidneys and some buggered condition with my uterus. Too personal? Well fuck you - people gotta do the body talks or we're going to continue to normalise pain. Pain is a sign. You check it.

Anyway, I had a dismissive doctor about the uterus stuff and turns out I have to be a monk to basically keep the pain in check. Sigh. Down with sugar, down with all sorts. Things have gotten a lot better... but it wouldn't have if I just accepted the "it's nooooormal to be in pain". Nope. Nope. Nope.

Yes, it's common. There are a hundred and one things that contribute to pain and nausea and the such (including the regularity of lady times). Sometimes it's hormonal. Sometimes it's diet or exercise. Sometimes it's stress. Whatever it is, get it checked. We have doctors for a reason.

Who should take the measures?

Ok, there's something I think we need to talk about. Yep, it's the best time - rant time!

So the other day I was watching the innernet thing as one does and came across a little Anna Akana video that made me cringe at the title. Of course, I pulled it up anyway and watched the whole thing and the lightbulb went on.

The delightful little nugget of wisdom is called "How not to get raped" and, yes, deals with a heavy issue. But the thing is, it had the best point. We shouldnt be telling girls what to wear. We shouldnt be telling people how to "protect" themselves.

We should be facing the issue and, yes, talking about what is acceptable from all sides and putting the focus in the perpetrators. Fiji has had a little voice pipe up about cyberbullying and whats the advice? "Protect yourself".

Yes, we should all learn proper internet use code, what "privacy" is and the thin veil that exists on social media, but we shouldnt be told "dont because someone will (insert douchebaggery and arseholerly here)". We should be talking about how to report the douchebaggery and arseholery. We shouldn't stand for it.

There was a loss in Suva and thus Fiji recently where a woman lost her life to what seemed to be a case of staying in a bad relationship. I knew her by name and face, my mother knew her and the wider Suva circle of people I know were close to her. Ive been seeing the reactions and the conundrum arises:

Everyone is lamenting the loss and the fact we dont know what to do to stop it happening again.

We dont know. So where to? How do we start addressing violence in all its forms? We got to make it not ok. Not okay to do, not teaching about how not to be arise arguments or how not to be the "prey" of some blank-faced bad guy.

How? I guess it's something to talk about guys.

How. How. Ow.

Things are not well. I feel like Im in this awful, weird place where I'm frustrated out of my mind. I know, I know - I have it a lot better than most... But I guess given I try and juggle a lot of hats among dealing with the depression and anxiety, I collapse if I'm switching to the next hat and get nothing.

What does that even meeeeean?

Honesty time? I'm a workaholic and things have been slow. I am sort of crumpling under the weight of... well... nothing. Thing is, I've had to force myself to be busy for years. Its been a coping mechanism because I have thankfully been able to separate myself and all my problems and anxieties from the work me.

Ever since my dad passed away, I could only operate when I put myself in that "Work Now" mode. I wrote a book I lost because COMPUTERS. I managed to make it through the rest of an academic/external exam year and Ive made it this far. But where am I even going?