I can't.

Oh hello. Ive been very worn thin today.

I havent really been outside much. I guess theres a lot of stuff floating around - depression and my anxiety and feeling all-round broke and empty pocketed. So because of it all have just been at home, working on what I can do and such.

I makes me feel awful occasionally. For the past few months now I havent really attended events, arts things or really caught up with friends too much. Ive just been... worn out. Of course the partner tries to get me out as often as he can - but I still end up usually being the first home.

So while Im home, just trying to relax or feel better or unwind after a particularly bad attack or something, Ill stumble across event photos, what friends are doing and all round what's happening in the world and just feel so separated.

I get worked up and a little, albeit furious, voice tells me off that I wasn't there. Another will point out I dont have the cash to get there. Another will remind me of what I might have to do, work on or rest for. Then there's suddenly a barrage of voices all arguing with one another... no wonder so much of it spills out as frustrated tears.

I don't know if people understand or care or whatever it is or may be. I guess you put this stuff out because... I dont know. Maybe because you hope others will see and know they aren't alone. Damn, I know Im not. The world is a hard place to be in and I applaud anyone who can look around it and carry on, no attacks warranted.

Today, I had to leave the house. I took my grandmother to the hospital. I helped her get there - her rules of course. The 11am appointment was attended after 12, the cab was called not hailed and we sat in the tiniest room with others just waiting for a handful of hours.

I barely held myself together. I wanted to pace outside until her doctor came. I wanted to cry because she was worn out from not sleeping the night before she was falling asleep texting. I had no idea how to do any of it aside from putting on the human suit I wear to work and assuming the role of the note taking and message person to the rest of the family.

I called around to sort out what the doctor recommended. I called my brother to put the kettle on. I walked my grandmother home so she could have a 10 minute stroll in the sun. I just did.

Sometimes you need to just do... especially when it comes to the 70+ year old marvel that can still work a room for intel and advocacy.