Can I just not be here, thaaanks.

Things are getting weirder. You know when a layer of calm settles over the way you thought things were and youve completely forgotten why things are the way they are? No? Oh.

Well, Im a human of habit. I like rules. I learn rules. Understanding rules and sticking to them were why I loved maths and physics and all that good stuff in high school. I made up rules as I went along to help myself how politics may have worked or how journalism is and was and so on when I got into uni.

And of course, all of this seeped into my personal life. Yes, I talk to the "big bad ex" because he's my friend several timezones away... but I taught myself "the rules" of what we say and don't say. Early on in the whole relationship with the Owl I thought those rules applied as well. It didn't bode well and I had to re-learn everything about intimacy and what I thought a relationship was because if I didn't I'd still be the far more nervous wreck who'd lock herself in the bathroom and cry whenever I got invited to something.

Then there are dealings with my family - the close and the not-as-close. Those have rules too. You never say anything too rude to the face, you don't take our attitude out on someone else, you don't discuss who weird periods are or how weird someone's face is (no matter how PMSd or tired you may be).

Then society has rules. However, Ive been shying away from sticking to those to be honest. For the most part, yeah Im a hairy (and yet perhaps sexy? who knows!) beast. I dont want to shave. I dont need to shave my legs or underarms. My skin hates it, I hate it, and that's it. I may for a special occasion but it always just goes back to me hating the fact I have to wait until its grown out and manageable again. Then theres the eyebrows. Please. For the love of god, please, don't judge me for them.

At the core, sticking to the rules for me has always been about respect. Sure, I have the same amount of respect for all strangers on the street but not the institutions that tell me Im disgusting if I grow hair or dont look or dress or act like Im "supposed to" as a female. But, when it comes to friends, family, my partner - rules are kept with express bending coming at a time where everyone agrees to it or when its needed. Rules never for rules sake because that's just silly - because that the end of the day, they're your rules.