FAYYYSHUN

So Ive been gallavanting these past few days following around the amazing, fabulous and fashionable Faraz to Fiji Fashion Week events. Im filming and editing daily updates for him under MaiLife and such and the other day it dawned on me - I literally wished for this.

this is how we do - featured left to right: Beauty and the Badass

Well, not to much all the other events but Im going to get to be in the pit on the nights of the shows. Whats a pit? Basically its where they put the photgraphers and camerapeople at the end of the runway. Last year I looked down at the pit thinking to myself "there are no women or girls down there".

To be fair, I usually see the female photographers in charge of backstage - as its probably more comfortable for the models as theyre changing half the time - but generally I work in a pretty male dominated industry. Editing, camerawork and general production - yeah, its changing and, yeah, Ive worked with tens of women who do the same but generally those who make it a career, getting behind the camera and making the footage into something, aren't common in these parts.

I may look super excited here, But the set up makes people stare a little

Usually, they're doubling up for the guy who couldn't make it because they need their show made or something and that kinda makes me a little sad. To be honest, one of my heroes (who probably doesn't know it) emerged from the woodwork and I got to spend a week getting chocolate thrown at me by him around all the other participants at a Melbourne training.

And sometimes we got these. They were wrapped initially but I dont know if I was 100% ok with eating white chocolate children :/

I love my work. I love that I get to do this work. I love that, yes while I have friends in these areas that have me work with them, I know that Im getting asked on board because I can do. Its honestly the most empowering thing about all of it.

Yes, I need to check my boobs and set them right before I strap my camera to my chest. I also wear my heeled boots to compensate for my height. Im lucky, Im happy and, damn it, Im working as hard as I can so I can keep doing this.

I can't.

Oh hello. Ive been very worn thin today.

I havent really been outside much. I guess theres a lot of stuff floating around - depression and my anxiety and feeling all-round broke and empty pocketed. So because of it all have just been at home, working on what I can do and such.

I makes me feel awful occasionally. For the past few months now I havent really attended events, arts things or really caught up with friends too much. Ive just been... worn out. Of course the partner tries to get me out as often as he can - but I still end up usually being the first home.

So while Im home, just trying to relax or feel better or unwind after a particularly bad attack or something, Ill stumble across event photos, what friends are doing and all round what's happening in the world and just feel so separated.

I get worked up and a little, albeit furious, voice tells me off that I wasn't there. Another will point out I dont have the cash to get there. Another will remind me of what I might have to do, work on or rest for. Then there's suddenly a barrage of voices all arguing with one another... no wonder so much of it spills out as frustrated tears.

I don't know if people understand or care or whatever it is or may be. I guess you put this stuff out because... I dont know. Maybe because you hope others will see and know they aren't alone. Damn, I know Im not. The world is a hard place to be in and I applaud anyone who can look around it and carry on, no attacks warranted.

Today, I had to leave the house. I took my grandmother to the hospital. I helped her get there - her rules of course. The 11am appointment was attended after 12, the cab was called not hailed and we sat in the tiniest room with others just waiting for a handful of hours.

I barely held myself together. I wanted to pace outside until her doctor came. I wanted to cry because she was worn out from not sleeping the night before she was falling asleep texting. I had no idea how to do any of it aside from putting on the human suit I wear to work and assuming the role of the note taking and message person to the rest of the family.

I called around to sort out what the doctor recommended. I called my brother to put the kettle on. I walked my grandmother home so she could have a 10 minute stroll in the sun. I just did.

Sometimes you need to just do... especially when it comes to the 70+ year old marvel that can still work a room for intel and advocacy.

Floating through space

It's been a while.  Ive managed to find a way to slow down - it's insane. 3 days after I left my fulltime job I was asked what it was like and I blurted out that it had been the most relaxing week of my life... forgetting how long it had actually been.

A weekend. One weekend and not having to drag myself somewhere on a Monday.

I don't even sleep in, I just feel so relaxed. Ive picked up some volunteering while I wait on jobs and such. Monday I got to be utterly domestic and scrubbed, did laundry and cleaned my house.

It been a strange experience not rushing out of the house because Id been dragging my heels to leave.

Ive also been planning a few things here and there like contemplating health checks, trying to just make time for down time, trying not to stress about too many things and generally struggling to remember what day it actually is.

Out of school, out of uni, out of a 9 to 5, I can't 100% nail down what day it is.

So, generally, Im floating through this strange, ethereal space where I cant decide whats really happening - am I just enjoying the break? Am I lost without a job? Am I actually getting better or just getting rest?

Lady of Leisure

Oh my. It's been a while. Or... I dont know, it's never been like... THIS.

I left my first (technically) full time job because... I don't 100% know - it just wasn't the best fit and I was starting to wear out really, really fast.

Following starting there, I started to get more frequent panic attacks, doubt the work I was doing, doubt myself. I felt trapped by money, I was drained of passion and I was just really, really depressed everyday I had to wake up and go to work.

It was probably a combination of things but I imagine it was firmly rooted in the massive switch from community to commercial media. I missed purpose, I missed creative freedom, I missed a comforting work environment. I also just missed working.

Yes, that is "the real world" or so people would tell me. But I couldn't do it anymore. Starving artist, starving advocate - an empty wallet is far more comforting to me than starving for work, for action and for movement.

My grandmother called me this morning to ask for sugar and she asked when I was going to work. When I reminded her I not longer were in that 9-5 she cheered me and called me "a lady of leisure - but as busy as ever".

That's pretty much the gist of it.

I'm trying to get back on my creative feet, trying to find my way in the world - trying to find somewhere Im happy to wake up to get to. Step 1? Recover.