From a grateful young woman to the powerful examples before us.

I am a young woman of privilege. I am constantly grateful and astounded by opportunities I have been able to receive. From my upbringing in a household where manners and language were key, to the education that my parents worked incredibly hard to provide, to the school willing to give someone so frustrated by the limitations of my country's curriculum, I have tens of people to thanks for where I am today. 

It started with my parents. My father was a man who found solace in a country without harsh winter or grey memories. I understand he came here and found friends among the people, work he wanted to do and the same friends found a way to keep him in this place long enough to find my mother. Admittedly, the love didn't last but it did leave the lasting effects of my brother and I. My mother's family have always been strong. Humble, hardworking people who never really made much money aside from what they needed but where constantly working for others be it in the community, through media or advocacy. These were people descended from stolen women of a country I have never been to but find myself now strangely tied to.

As I grew older, despite learning in a school of privilege, I has educators dedicated to moulding me, among my classmates, into a citizen of the world wanting to give back. I was even lucky enough to leave the city I have always lived in to see how those with so much less than me work so hard. It made me want to work harder for them, to create what I could to give them opportunities to be the best people they could be, to be vocal and empowering individuals. 

Today, all that I have done and now my most recent endeavour was acknowledged in a room. Those among me were a mix of familiar faces and strangers. While I thought my presence would be unnoticed, something I prefer, I was acknowledged, pointed out to saying that I was there in my capacity to do what my family have done for generations, to tell stories. 

This most recent endeavour is to create one of the first videos from the Pacific for an initiative to raise awareness about self-stigma that plagues the diverse community in our world. The youth-led initiative, the Loud and Proud Campaign, recently released a policy brief dealing with issues faced by the gay. bisexual, trans and MSM communities and the work now aims to educate the public about sexual diversity, educational institutions to advocate for the need to create safe environment for young MSM and young transgender persons to live their lives to their fullest potential with supportive legal protection.

Specifically looking at the example of the Adi Seinikau pageant as part of the annual Hibiscus Festival's festivities, I want to highlight the changes being pushed so hard for; transforming the spectacle of a drag show into a legitimate platform for change and awareness. Last year, crowned Adi Seinikau winner Benjamin Patel set the bar high. At today's afternoon tea for this year's contestants, Benji was emotional while sharing experiences from last year. Despite calls against the choice, the young transwoman with a disability, a practical approach to everyday dress and less than expected features, Benji has come out as one of the most amazing people I've ever has the chance to meet. 

My first encounter was at the first Young Women's Forum. Willing to speak, strong in conviction, frustrated at expectations of dress and presentation, Benji stood out not because of appearance or otherwise to me, but because of the confident voice holding strong to raising issues and fostering sisterhood not just among the trans community, but among activists wherever they found themselves in the SOGIE spectrum. 

Tomorrow is the event. While so often the most popular and financially successful, I know it has so much promise to become one of the most moving experiences in anyone's life. To stand on stage is a task all on its own. For many of the contestants it would have had to be a journey of surviving being confident in themselves and dealing with societal opposition to their equal recognition. These are women that have had to fight to be who they are and are itching at the chance of showing others who may be afraid, self-stigmatised and unsure that there is so much support for those facing hard times. Good luck, ladies. 

Diversity of Self

Ive been spending a lot of time alone or just generally just in my head. This has lead me to have conversations with far too many versions of myself.

Of course, it means I come up with great ideas that are more or less piled up on my desk just waiting to be realised, but it helps me understand me. Which one? All of them!

I think its good to be well rounded but right now Im feeling a little like a d20, with a few too many sides than there should be. Theres a strange mood spectrum I seem to exist on, often hopping between the variations far too quickly for anyones liking.

And thus, I find myself alone, internally dialoguing with sad Sian, cheerful Sian, practical Sian and hungry Sian, all clamouring for attention and to be the dominant mood. I wonder how many people get the same way.

Why I Game

So the other day I was just casually having my aura read for the experience of it and was told that apparently gaming was used as escapism when i was going through hard times. Spot on! Almost.

I love stories. Whether Im reading them, watching them, listening or otherwise... but nothing has ever been like experiencing them. Thats what games are to me.

Whether Im spinning the in-board wheel in the Game of Life, playing a sim like... the Sims or Banished or hitting up Alistair in Dragon Age Origins, Im experiencing a story or making one up as I go along. That's what draws me to games.

So while the universe has recently blessed me with a steady increase in work and so on... my body, or at least my right wrist, is feeling the burn.

So here's to you WoW - while not fully narrative, I enjoy you enough to force my moneymakers down a tragic path clogged with destructive forces that may leave me penniless but clothes in purps. Well done.

On being thankful

Im not a religious person, which to me seems odd in a very religious family, but i do like to think theres something else out there. The other week i found myself thinking out the rest of my life, moving forward - especially in terms of work and so on. So I did apply to a job that Im sure I wont hear back from but I found myself on my old campus asking the universe for a way forward.

Later that day I got a message from a friend saying his parents wanted to know if I was interested in some freelance writing work. The universe had apparently answered me. I was so excited.

And I still am. But also incredibly nervous. I want to see if they think my writing is up to par, and that means doing some writing and waiting to hear back as I smoke herbal cigarettes that apparently dont make me as sleepy as awful factory made stuff.

And even if they don't think my writing is up to par, there's one thing I want to say, specifically to the universe:

And I think it's something that should be said more often. I think that I get way too easily disappointed because I've lost a lot of opportunities to circumstance, from the possibility of oversea universities because I wanted to stay home with my mother to help her through cancer to my past few other jobs because of illness or crappy mid-bosses.

That said, I've gained so much and Im grateful for every opportunity that comes my way because I've learned from them. I learned to appreciate the education funded by Pacific governments and paid for by my mother, and I got through my first degree, I learned how to be a better presenter, I learned how much I hate PR and now Im here.

So let's see where we go.

Pain pain paaaain

Some time ago I was pressured into seeing the doctor because of severe... lady parts pain. I didnt do anything to them and pain was something that i had more or less become used to since menarche ten years ago.

But after severe pain, the owl instructed, pleaded, begged I see a doctor. So I did. After tests and poking and prodding from the doctor I was told via an ultrasound that I had hydronephrosis and possibly adenomyosis.

In normal language, slightly blocked kidneys and an odd uterus. I enjoyed two blissful weeks of antibiotics and work because of my kidneys but was basically told "oh, you don't need to worry about the second thing it just means you're going to get more pain than other women and at random".

That was more or less okay with me. It wasn't a surprise, I suppose. I was happy and thumbs-upped my lady region for not threatening to fall out or anything.

That said, it doesn't mean we get along all the time. When it comes close to the occasional period, still indecisive after a decade, fatigue and pain set in. It means naps, an inability to sit at my computer for very long and, every so often, nausea.

Thankfully after the whole kidney-uterus combo, the nausea subsided. I don't know if it's because of a change in diet, a lack of boozing or decrease in the amount of coke and coffee, I've been lucky for two months. Despite a lack of nausea, it all just generally sucks.

Anyway, here's hoping that one day science decides that it wants to fix problems like these because in my experience painkillers just don't work.